How I learned to not ignore people who point out flaws in me
There is always something about you which others will have a problem with.
Somebody will have problem with the way you look. Somebody will have a problem with the way you talk. Somebody will have a problem with your lifestyle. Somebody will have a problem with the way you work.
Early in your life, this will bother you a lot. As without validation from others, life seems quite insignificant.
But as you grow up, your attitude towards your critics starts changing.
Depending on your life experiences, you might choose to respond to them in one of the following ways:
- You might react violently and get an argument with them. OR
- You might simply shrug your shoulders and move on. OR
- You might simply laugh them of. OR
- You might sulk in a corner and feel sad about your shortcomings.
My approach towards critics had mostly been about ignoring them and moving on.
However, over the past few years, my attitude has undergone a significant transformation.
I have realized that there is a difference between jealous naysayers and a well-meaning critic. Identifying well-meaning critics and choosing to course correct based on their observations can be a superpower.
The reason is simple — We are so busy in our day-day lives that it becomes very difficult to observe our conduct impartially from a distance. Relying on yourself to find your own shortcomings is not a great strategy. Others are able to identify shortcomings in our behaviour much more easily than you. So, why not leverage this to your advantage?
Here’s how I have learnt to become more circumspect about criticism.
- Context matters — If midway during a conversation, somebody points out something, then there is usually a lot of truth in what they are saying. For example, a friend in college pointed out twice in a conversation how I had a tendency to quickly become judgemental. In the context of that conversation, I could sense the truth in his words. Thus, it becomes necessary to identify the trigger for someone’s statement.
- Specificity matters — Many people while criticizing you can provide specific examples to point out your bad behaviour. (When somebody gives examples, I would rather take their argument seriously)
- Intent matters — Why are they pointing out something? Is it to mock or deride me? If yes, then its best to ignore them. But if they are putting it forth in a matter of fact way, then I should probably take notice.
In addition to this, it also becomes important to actively seek feedback from people who are not very forthcoming with their opinions. These could be your co-workers, friends, juniors etc. You will be surprised by how useful these observations can be.
“We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour.” — Stephen Covey
Thus, its important to listen to well-meaning critics who are able to judge us based on our behaviour.
That is the best way to improve and become a better version of yourself.
